It’s been a while

[warning]This is a fertility post. Possible triggers (though I don’t really think there are that many. I think you’ll be more excited by the outcome, but there is some sad things. There’s also much more that you might identify with than be triggered by). ALSO, there is semi-grownup content in this post. Nothing graphic (I’m not that kind of person), but if you’re too young to be talking about fertility, skip to the next article.[/warning]

It’s been a while. I don’t apologize for my absence. I needed it. We had another miscarriage and I just needed more time to heal. Didn’t want to write about it. Didn’t want to write anything else that wasn’t about it. Didn’t want to sit down at a computer. When you sit down at a computer, somehow you inevitably end up on Facebook with everyone announcing babies (seriously, is it just me or is the only thing Facebook is good for anymore is baby/wedding announcements made easy (and inappropriately so)). That and the occasional forwarded status that you’ve already seen 20 times and didn’t care the first time. I do get on Facebook to check information on corn allergies, and to learn more info from Norwex consultants, but otherwise, it only brings heartache. At least I’ve tweaked my Pinterest feed. When I see baby stuff now, it’s usually from a kindred spirit who posts infertility articles. Don’t know her, personally, but wish I did. I’d hug her and we could cry together and be mad as the fires Down South together.

The problem with reporting a loss is that everyone tries to send sympathy. But what I really want (at least after as many as I’ve had) is to just pick up the pieces and move on. I am done with hurting. It’s better to just let it go and look forward. But people try to help by bringing it up. Maybe to some it’s helpful, but to me, just let it go. Don’t make me keep having to live there. I’m not saying that you should pretend it never happened, but help me look forward instead. My ward was perfect about it! I’ve never felt so loved when I needed them and left to heal when I needed a break. They called and checked on me, they came and visited about everything and anything. They let me pick up the pieces when I was ready to move on. I’ve been so blessed to remember what a good ward is like. In all of those visits, I learned of a doctor that many of the women I associate with have turned to because they, like I, felt like all the other doctors in the area just ignored their pleas. In my opinion, the doctors in the area have enough healthy and easy babies to deliver, so they’re not so concerned for the woman who can’t have them, the woman who loses them, or any woman who has some other female-related problem. It is interesting to me that all these women gave the same doctor name! You would think that there would be options, choices. Apparently, there is not. Not if you actually want to be heard, anyway.

I met with the PA at the new clinic (I’ve already met with her twice, actually. And I have another appt with the main doc and the PA in about a week!) and I am SOOOO happy! I had collected all of my charts (from 5 other clinics where I’ve tried to be heard and wasn’t), all of my data and test results and on and on. We’re talking well over 300 papers. She went through all of them. Of that entire stack, she pulled out 2. She scanned the entire stack in, but felt that only 2 papers were relevant to actually have physical copies in my chart. Out of YEARS of paperwork, she only kept hard copies of 2! I think one was the most recent semen analysis and one was an x-ray of what my uterus looks like. Both give little to go off of, so maybe they’re just there to check off her list. (interesting note about my uterus, though: it’s crooked. It explains so much! Why my only child tried to make her own hole through my hip during birth, being the easiest to tell you. No one seems concerned, though, so it must not be a big deal.

After explaining a few things and answering a few of her questions, and after she looked through my charts, she looked me in the eye and as frankly as can be (I love people who tell it like it is! I’m so excited! Seriously. You wanna be my friend, talk truths to my ear. Don’t sugar coat it) she says, “Keira, you are an enigma. Your charts are all over the place. No one started from the beginning, and no one finished testing anything. We’re going to have to start from square one.” To me, she seemed to be saying that instead of any orchard masters going and picking an entire branch from a tree and moving to the next branch, they’d pick an apple here and an apple there. None of these doctors was in enough of a hurry or had enough forethought that they cleared the whole branch of apples to know that there was nothing wrong in that sector.

She was ticked that no one believed me about the Rh factor (I’m A-. In childbirth, especially in miscarriages, that’s a big deal. But all the docs just told me to stay home during my miscarriages. They argued that there wasn’t high enough HCG levels to warrant a RhoGam shot. Even when I did have high enough HCG levels, they still just told me to take it easy and my body would take care of itself). She was disgusted that no one had followed through on the blood-attacking-itself bit but just prescribing me aspirin and letting it go. She also was ticked that in “trying to find what was wrong with me,” they failed to keep up on the basic tests. Like yearly exams. I know I could have said something and pushed the issues, but I spent so much time (and money) there anyway, I wasn’t in a rush. Before I left her office, I’d had 13 vials of blood drawn and 2 more appointments scheduled.

The only problem was that one of those tests (the one that took 8 whole vials of blood) cost $3000! When I mentioned that I’d have insurance starting on the first of January, but that I would have to pay full price at the time, they said “Oh man! Well there’ll be such a difference in price, we’ll just throw away what we collected today and we’ll just recollect at your next appointment.”  What a loss! Is it silly that I almost would have rathered paying the $4000 (total) than throw away a piece of me? Anyway, because they’d just have to do the same draws in 2 weeks, they put me on a strict steak and iron pills diet. When I came back in to get my blood drawn again, the PA had decided to do another test, so there were even more vials this time (didn’t count. Kept my eyes focused on a little square sticker residue on the phlebotomy chair. The same person drew my blood each time, but the first time I hardly felt a thing, and the second time, she kept digging into my veins with each change of vials. I also took a much harder hit this time. I had to stop and take a break and grab a burrito before I could even think straight. I scarfed the entire thing down and then did NOT feel good! But I only knew I needed to eat! I probably shouldn’t have driven to the taco place. Anyway, the big test, the one that the PA is most anxious for, takes 2 weeks to get back to them, so I don’t expect to hear from them very soon. They said they’d call for all my other labs when they came in, but really it’s not going to make too much sense until all the labs are back together.

Before I left the office after my first visit, I asked the PA if she thought it would be possible to get pregnant right away (SOOO sick of waiting), and she said “For all we know, yes! You could just be extremely deficient in Folic Acid. I’ve seen that happen.” Part of me knows I’ll be pretty ticked if all of this waiting has been because of something silly like a vitamin deficiency. But the other half of me would love for the solution to be that easy (although a folic acid would be less easy than it sounds, since I’ve been taking folic acid supplements for YEARS. It would have to be more of an absorption issue).

At my appt in a few weeks, I intend to talk to them about why I feel so much better on Clomid. I’ve taken a few cycles off now and I’m back to feeling instant rage. When I called my old clinic about it, they said, well it means you weren’t ovulating (in a no-duh way) and I didn’t bother mentioning that I’ve had positive ovulation charts and bloodwork the entire time. I asked what I could do when I wasn’t taking Clomid. She said, “Well, there aren’t very many options. You could take anti-depressants [I didn’t say I was depressed, lady. I said that I wasn’t angry. That clearly says there’s something wrong hormonally and an anti-depressant is like a silly bandaid when what I have is a cold. Honestly! We won’t even get me started on the whole medication overload issue. There is a time and a place. This isn’t one of them], or you could just wait. Because anything else is going to counteract your efforts to conceive. You  can’t take Clomid for more than a few cycles.” Somehow that answer only caused anger (couldn’t tell, right?). I don’t think she heard anything I was saying. She didn’t listen, didn’t try to understand, and only showed her ignorance on the issue. The real question is WHY does Clomid fix something? And WHAT does it fix? If I’m ovulating anyway, why is Clomid fixing anything? I have a feeling my question will go completely different with this new doctor. And I can’t wait to get started.

More Tidbits from the Fertility Front

On another fertility note…

[warning]First let me say that this one is way TMI… [/warning]

I can’t get over how much Clomid has helped me not be secretly plotting revenge because someone looked at me funny. Mostly, I keep the crazy in (because I could still tell it was crazy, even if it was a real emotion), but Ranger usually ends up hearing my flippant thoughts. I think he heard the few I had this time, too. Seriously, I’ve got to get better. But it has been way easier to be nice to the world. And my family. And myself.

On another note. WOW. Let me just say, Niagra Falls aint got nothin. That is all. (Told you… Way TMI).

This is my second Clomid cycle, and I’m pulling out all the stops. Raspberry tea, vitamins, Evening Primrose oil, Clomid, and taking care of myself with sleep and healthful food (most of those happen every month, but I’ve added some vitamins and the tea). At least, if I can ever remember to drink my tea. I seem to find it 2 hours later. Cold. It’s not good cold. Ranger is taking the Fertilaid (Seriously, swear by it! I don’t think Ranger wants me touting that story, but I will tell you, it’s a blessing)

I confess that I’m super nervous. If we throw all our cards on the table, what do we do if it doesn’t work? Ranger assures me that we’ll never be able to throw all our cards on the table, but I really don’t know what we can afford to try next. The rest of the options are expensive. But one of my doctors (the ‘big guy on campus’ dr. I like the ‘underling’ better) is trying to tell me that no matter what, it’s going to be expensive. One of my blood tests came back positive for a rare blood autoimmune disease. He’s convinced that that is my problem. But more and more lately, I’m not so sure. From my research, I need both tests to be positive two times in a row, 12 weeks apart. I’ve only had one test show up positive, and I’ve never been retested. I can’t figure out why he’d tell me it was this autoimmune disease if he’s never ordered the second test. I intend to talk to the dr I trust, and run my feelings by him.

One thing is for sure, if I continue to stress about it, I’m going to hurt our chances. Luckily, we’ve got some fun things planned over the next month. I bet that will help.

Guess I Needed it?

[warning]This is a fertility post. It could be considered a trigger to some (though, not really. I trigger to fertility posts regulary, and this one is a good news one), and way too much information for others. If you don’t want to read it, I won’t be offended. [/warning]

I don’t feel miserable. And that’s not normal!

I’d better explain. The short story is… My cycle started today.

The long story makes a whole lot more sense. For the past 3 years, when my cycle starts, I’m a physical and emotional wreck. I never bleed very heavily (I warned you about the TMI) but I cramp so much that I can only handle curling up in a blanket all day and wishing my uterus didn’t hate me so much.

And then you add the emotional side. I’m so frustrated and sad and mad, all because I’m not pregnant. Yet again, I have to wait a month. I wonder to myself if I can handle it. I have to reaffirm my testimony. I have to remind myself not to hate my body. Every. Month. I spend the day fighting back tears.

I’ve always wondered how much of that emotion was hormonal. Today, I’ve come to the conclusion that most of it was. And apparently whatever hormone it was doesn’t mess with Clomid. I know we’re only supposed to take clomid for 3-month stints, but I like this. I think I’m going to have to tell my doc something’s working. Even if it’s not what was intended.

Today, I organized my computer, helped move a fireplace (it’s not in yet , but we’re closer), made apple butter and 5 kinds of fruit leather, washed a ton of dishes I just unpacked (my nice set), hung picture frames, took empty boxes downstairs, showered (yes, that’s a big deal), and made a pre-planned, pre-marinaded dinner. I had time to marinade! I had sanity! That doesn’t happen on day one.

I was still a little testy, but at least I could make myself shake it off and start over. I even had the mental clarity to follow love and logic when my 9-year-old forgot she wasn’t 14 (seriously! Drama! Over making her bed! No one told me the drama started at 9! I wish 8 had lasted longer). Normally, it’s all I can do to not raise my voice or dish it back. She has no idea who she’s messing with! Her mother was the queen of sass. Just ask her grandmother. And no, that’s not something I’m overly proud of.

I think of today, and I’m filled with gratitude. I forgot what this felt like. I have no idea what the Clomid fixed, but I like the change.

Update

We’ve got all of the stuff moved over to the new house. Now the joys of unpacking! Oh, and guess what? It’s canning season, and if I don’t get tomatoes bottled, my family will starve this winter. And my apple trees (in this new house) needed picked and converted into apple sauce and apple juice. So, I’m still here. I’ve got some more canning recipes to add to the blog, and I’ve still got to add all the fun from the girlie’s back-to-school/belated-birthday party. But my family seems to think that unpacking is more important than updating the blog. So you’ll have to wait. For now. Just know I’m alive. More to come.

K

It’s Official!

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We went in and signed the papers. We now own a house. It almost didn’t happen. I was so sick with dread!

Seriously. It has been such a long process. I hope to never have to do it again. And if I do, I hope that it won’t be as complicated as it was this time. I hope I have cash. Wouldn’t that be amazing? If things go according to Dave Ramsey‘s plan, which Ranger and I are implementing (even though we’re not very good at it. We’re trying. We decided it was a good idea to get our finances in order since we just bought a house. Backwards, I know, but we realllllly needed to move),

Now… the work begins. There is so much to do.

Ready… Go!

virtual tour

I’ve shown you all the work I’ve done, and glimpses of the house, and I’ve even shown you the yucky bugs! But I haven’t ever shown you the actual house! So here’s your virtual tour.

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Here’s the front room. I’m trying to decide if I want the couch to face the wall, and then consign myself to a TV upstairs, or if I want it to look out to the window, and keep the TV in the basement. It’s a c-shaped couch, so it’s either got to go with one side against the wall, one side facing the window, and the chaise closest to the picture, or it’s got to go with the wall with an entertainment center, the wall opposite the window with a couch, then the other side of the couch and the back of the chaise closest to the picture. I think I’ve lost you. Here’s a paint diagram… It’s not nearly to scale… but it’ll give you an idea.

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-or-

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I can’t get to the measurements right now, so I can’t check to make sure, but I’m pretty sure that if I go with option 2, I’m going to have to pull out the extra piece in the sectional. Which is no problem, I’ll just have to figure out where to put it. When I get into the house, and when I actually get my measurements back from a packed computer, I’ll be able to figure out where it would fit, but I can’t make up my mind either way. What do you guys think?

In our house right now, the TV is in the basement. It’s nice because that way it doesn’t become the focal point of the home. I think too many times, when the TV is easy to get to, people use it too much as an escape. It’s always on. I don’t want that. But then again, if the TV is in a central location, it’s easier to keep tabs on what is being watched. It also means that when Ranger and I just want to watch a movie as a couple and not as a family (Dates don’t always have to be out of the house), we could easily have little eyes watching from any vantage point in the hallway. We don’t watch movies that are inappropriate, but sometimes we just want to watch movies we don’t have to explain to a 9-year-old. And most of these movies are watched when she’s SUPPOSED to be in bed. I don’t know if a TV going on the same floor will make too much noise.

I’m pretty sure Ranger would love to have the TV upstairs, but he’s a TV junkie. I don’t think he’d care if I demanded it downstairs, but I can’t make up my mind, and until then, it’s all pretty much up in the air.

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Here’s the other side of the front room, with the entry way. Right now it’s cheap linoleum, but in my head, it’s either hardwood or laminate flooring (I was pretty set on the “laminate is cheap and tacky” mentality until I realized that hardwood flooring is NOT like it used to be and is pretty much identical to laminate but with twice the cost. Pressed wood does not count as hardwood. And then a woodworking contractor told me that laminate is not like it used to be either, and is now extremely durable and realistic, and he’d pick laminate over hardwood any day. Now I can’t decide). Eventually, whichever floor choice we go with will most likely extend all the way into the kitchen (the room to the left of the photo), but for now, carpet will fill the space. Our lender requires that contractors install everything that is tied to the loan, and carpet HAS to be tied to the loan or already present. If we wanted contractors to install any other flooring besides carpet, it’s an extra dollar per square foot. And the carpet can be moved to the downstairs hallway when we get that far. Until then, carpet wins.

You’ve seen the jimmy-rigged kitchen.

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Here’s the laundry room that will eventually be part of the kitchen, too.

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clearly, the mess on the floor won’t be staying.

Here’s the huge pantry that right now is connected to the laundry room (see why it’s got to go? It feels like it’s such a long walk to go through the laundry room to get to the pantry. I know it’s not any further, but it sure feels further going through a doorway.

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Really, though, the pantry is the size of a small bathroom. You have got to admit, that’s pretty cool.

back through the kitchen, you get to the dining room. The dining room has a perfect niche for an inset china hutch. That’s one other thing I’m begging my hard-working husband to build. It also has glass doors onto the tiny deck, but it allows for a picturesque view and lots of light. The Dining room’s not that big, but it’s big enough for my large kitchen table, so I’m content. I’m just hoping it doesn’t become a junk collector like my current dining room does. I dream of dinners actually at a table like the olden-days. I think that’s important.

From the dining room, you go down a hall and there are the rooms and bathrooms.

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This room is either going to be my sewing room/office or my brother’s bedroom. I would love for my brother to move downstairs (it’s currently unfinished) because when he’s not a student he works at a refinery. He comes home smelling like old nasty stale grease and leaves a black trail of footprints. As much as I love him, I don’t want ruined brand new carpet. Ranger doesn’t think it’s nice to stick him in the basement again, though, so we’ll have to see. I’d love for my crafts to not get stuck in the basement (and therefore ignored or forgotten). Priorities.

Check out the hanger set-up in the closet. Instead of a bar to hang clothes on, there are all these little hooks. I can’t make up my mind whether I think they’re pretty awesome or annoying. They’re unique, which makes them pretty cool, but they sure seem to limit how many clothes one could hang in a closet.

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This will most likely end up the miss’s room. It seems a good fit. Pretty sure we’re going to paint one wall purple, and she’s pretty adamant about clouds on the ceiling. I don’t want them to be too dramatic, so they might end up subtle shades of the same hue. If the room ends up like it is in my head, it’ll be the coolest room I’ve ever gotten to create. I am hoping Ranger will have time between cupboards and china hutches to build a new bed. The one I found and love (and this kid loves too) retails for almost $4000! There’s no way I’m paying that much $$$! I’m half tempted to build it myself, but the things that require power tools usually end up crooked before I’m done with them… It might be a good time to overcome my fear, though.

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The master bedroom has double doors. Tell me that’s not cool!

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I know I want to paint my ceiling with crown molding that goes in about a foot from the wall and frames the top of the room, with a nice decorated piece surrounding the fan. I’m thinking a greyish purple. Something subtle enough to not distract, and grey enough that it’s still appropriate for a man to sleep there. And then I’m trying to decide if adding one grey wall is too much with the painted ceiling. What do you guys think?

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Here’s a quick view of the master bath. There’s a closet and double sinks in the foreground, and behind the wall there’s a toilet and a shower. I want to take the door out and add a pocket door, so that the back room feels larger. Right now it feels pretty small back there, but it might be the rock slabs lining the shower, or the fact that it’s dark. I’d also love to take out the shower and put in a huge tub with a shower fixture. I relax with a bath, and right now the only tub in the house is a tiny one in the kid’s bathroom. Not ideal at all. I’m told that it’d be a shame, though because of how beautiful the rock shower is. It’ll stay for a while, I’m sure, since I have so many dream projects for this house, but I will probably keep dreaming of the tub I don’t have.

That’s the whole upstairs. Downstairs isn’t finished. And it probably won’t be for a while, with as many changes as I want to make upstairs. Never finish downstairs until upstairs is done.

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At the bottom of the stairs, I’m probably going to put a few book cases. I have tons of books. They’ve gotta go somewhere.

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Right now, this is a whole room just for the water heater. I think that’s silly. It will be a laundry room with a water heater, though, and that is MUCH less silly. I’m trying to decide if we should keep that window. It is in the way for where I want to re-build the deck outside, but if I take it out, there’s no windows on the whole corner of the house. I’m a fire-paranoid freak, and I don’t know if I like losing the only escape route.

There is another bedroom and a bathroom already framed in and plumbed downstairs, as well as a room perfect for cold storage (no windows and it’s on the same side of the house as the future laundry room), but the bedroom is going to need an egress installed. Then there’s a great-room.

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We’re pretty sure we’re going to put a fireplace back here, since the only heat source currently is ceiling heat, and that was the dumbest invention ever. And we won’t keep the laminate under it (seriously, laminate under a fireplace!?!). Otherwise, I’m not quite sure how downstairs is going to work. Or what will end up where. Just because the walls are framed in doesn’t mean they have to stay the way they are, but we do have to stay semi-true to the structure, especially for any walls running length-wise through the house.

I’d love feedback. How should I arrange my couches in the front room? Is grey too much for behind the headboard in the master bedroom? Am I being too paranoid about windows in the corner of the house?

And It’s Not Even Ours Yet

I have done more work on our new house than I’ve done the entire time I’ve lived in this old house, and it’s not even finalized yet! All thanks to a paranoid state housing department.

I can’t really complain. When we get in, this house will be the best and safest house I’ve ever lived in. It’s pretty sad, considering all the upgrades I know we will do to it in the future. It’s no where near as nice a house as it will be.

What can I say, I’ve lived in some pretty trashy places. Trashy might not be the right word… we’ll call them Ghetto. Which is derogatory, again. What can I say… Sometimes knowing the history of words gets me into trouble. For instance, in my life, I’ve lived in two single-wide trailers fastened together. I’ve lived in houses where I had to duck to get into my room. I’ve also lived in a house where my bedroom was on the other side of the bathroom. i.e. I had to wait to go into or out of my room whenever anyone showered. And then there’s the current model, that is falling apart and flooding around me. (Seriously, if we get any more rain, we’re going to have to wade in my basement. I’m NOT happy about it, and I keep telling myself it doesn’t matter because I’m moving, but my house smells like wet basement now. Not a fan). I can’t wait to move into a house that needs some personality, but doesn’t need new everything.

And doesn’t flood when we flush the toilets.

Let me tell you THAT’s fun.

Not.

It started simply enough. First we had to put these counters together. They DONT match and are incredibly cheap, like really really cheap, in that the center cabinet where the sink is doesn’t even really exist cheap.

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We recruited our friend Mike to help with that. He nailed the counters together, and we nailed the top to them. It passed inspection, even though I hate it.

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As soon as we can actually sign the papers and move in, I’m going to tear out the wall connecting the kitchen to the laundry room. Right now the kitchen is pathetically small, and I LIVE in the kitchen. It’s not a good situation. But the laundry room can easily go downstairs. I know it means more walking for laundry, but I do laundry a few times a week. I cook a few times a DAY. A bigger kitchen is pretty important to me. I’ve had it all designed and graphed out for months. And when Ranger found out how much it costs to get cabinets installed (hence why Mike’s jimmy-rigging the counters in the previous picture), he agreed to make me a custom kitchen. He’s pretty handy, but getting him to make time is another story. He is always tired after work, and then there’s everything that NEEDS done… I might just have to make this kitchen a need… But anyway, it’s functional. And I hooked up the plumbing myself.

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And between Ranger and I, we also got the toilet in … a more toilet-y location. As in, back where the toilet hole actually is and not in the tub. I hooked up the pipes to it as well, and I added the toilet mechanism all by myself. Call me Rosie.

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Then, on to round two: We had to add a stair rail (which is silly, in my opinion) and fix the stucco in the back. 

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The stucco was fixed in the front and on one side, but the seller ran out of $ so that’s as far as it went (seriously, the cost of repairing stucco about equal to the cost of putting up siding! Pretty sure when we go about fixing the stucco in a few years (because stucco only lasts a few years), we’ll just upgrade to siding.

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Most of the back of the house is just tiny cracks, and when we asked Lowe’s a while ago, they said if it’s just tiny cracks, you can get away with just painting over it and it’ll last an extra year. Since our extra income this year is going into GETTING the house (and getting out of debt), an extra year is just what we need. Also, the appraiser pointed out how the stucco wont stick to wood anyway and so it would need to be painted. So, I painted it. And in the process, I broke the paint can. So… I painted a little more than I would have liked. It looks Über-fab right now, but hey, it’s less I have to worry about when winter comes. We also calked up the obvious cracks. This wood slab really belongs to what used to be the deck. My guess is that the seller put up as small a deck as possible (it’s tiny!) in order to call it a deck after the wood deck needed replaced, and the wood slab is what’s left over from where the deck used to be.

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It’ll pass appraisal, at any rate. And at this point, I don’t care, I just want IN IT. No one sees the back of the house anyway… at least they don’t when the yard is non-existent.

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This is one of the few windows that still needs replaced. This one and two windows in the main part of the house are still aluminum. The rest have been upgraded to vinyl. You see that white half-circle up on the railroad ties? That’s what is left of the lid.

E+J wedding

Sorry it’s been so long since I posted. I’ve had so much to say, but I managed to lock myself out of admin because I somehow only half managed to change the password somewhere. I finally had to delete all the shortcuts and apps in my browser and sign in all over again. Such is life.

Update is: there’s still no update on moving. We’ve been in the “almost… Just one more step” stage for about a month and a half. We really are “almost there,” though. We’ve done everything but sign the papers and get the carpet and windows in. I am soooo ready to be outta this house!

But now to the fun stuff. After about a 3 year absence from the cake scene ( my sister’s wedding really did me in!) I made a cake again! This time for my new sister-in-law’s wedding. It was so fun.

I admit I was so worried. The forecast has said rain all week. And the bride was DETERMINED to have an outdoor wedding.

The clouds hung threateningly the entire ceremony/reception, and about an hr and a half into the reception, it wasn’t a threat, but a downpour. I’m pretty impressed, though. It ended up working out amazingly.

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This is before they added the wildflowers to the mug. it was pretty cute and incredibly cheap!

By then, the traditions had all been attended to, and it’s the part of the reception that just drags on, so when the rain came, most people left, and only the close friends and family stayed.

It turned into one big wet afterparty. With an amazing sunset.

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I love this picture. I’m bummed it’s blurry. This is true love. You know the country song “I don’t dance?” That’s the song that goes off in my head each time I look at this picture. The lyrics are so perfect! I’m so glad my Father-in-law found someone that loves him so perfectly.

Anyway, the cake turned out amazing. After having such a long hiatus, I was pretty worried I wouldn’t be able to call on enough skill. Luckily, it seems that the cake-making skill stuck a little better than the “riding a bike” skill (fyi, I can’t ride a bike. I’ve learned twice and never really enjoyed it so I run while my family rides. I get a much more intense workout, and I actually like it better…)

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and the cupcakes were divine! I came up with the recipes myself. That meant that when they were gone before the reception got rained out and that all the comments of “oh my, these are so good!” went right to my head. It’s pretty inflated, now. Probably not enough to make another cake, just yet, but I’m definitely suffering from an expanded ego.

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The white cupcakes are white chocolate with huckleberry filling and white chocolate butter cream and sprinkles on top. The purple-frosted cupcakes are lemon cupcakes with huckleberry filling, huckleberry frosting, and huckleberries. I wish I had made a gel of the huckleberry liquid and drizzled it on top of the white chocolate cupcakes, but maybe next time someone wants to pay me good money for huckleberry cupcakes… those buggers are purple gold, I tell ya!

Juggling

Have you ever seen that meme that says if you’re too busy to read your scriptures and pray then you are busier than God intends you to be?

It’s midnight. I still have two chapters to read for my homework assignment due tomorrow, a mostly un-sewn quilt top for relief society on my bedroom floor (it’s currently the cleanest surface in my house even though my sewing machine is clear in the basement), I just barely put dinner away, and I am sure The Lord wants more from me than opening my scriptures and reading a random verse without thinking about it because my brain stops working at 10 (man, to be young again. Who knew 28 was so old!). But I also know that all of the things happening in my life are needful and beneficial steps. What am I to do?

I’ve studied the time quadrants. I have got the urgent and important things at the top of my to do list. The problem is, I never complete all of the urgent/important things before some tasks that were important but not urgent suddenly become urgent. I confess that I unwind with pointless games quite often, and sometimes I scroll through mindless Facebook posts. But right now, Facebook is about the only interaction I get with friends. I, as a woman, require friend time. And Facebook is about all I get. Otherwise, I’m seriously considering making appointments to see my friends. But I’d have to find times for appointments.

I know that this is just temporary, and I also know I find it completely fulfilling knowing that each day I work my tail off I get closer to where I want to be, but I also know I am quickly approaching burnout.

Let’s talk about my life for a minute. Last year, I was stuck in limbo. As soon as the year changed to 14, I’ve been in fast-forward.

Firstly… I’m moving. I don’t know where. I don’t know when. I just know that it is happening. And it’s all thanks to my amazing grandmother. It’s a long story, but basically we are walking away from a time-bomb house. Our house has been causing us immense frustration for some time. It’s old and increasingly unsafe. It’s also underwater with an extremely high interest rate. We’ve tried and tried to fix the sinking ship but it has just kept pulling us down. When my grandmother died, it provided the opportunity to walk away free and clear (abandon ship!) and we’re taking that chance. We’ll be here as long as it takes to get the paperwork in place. It could be tomorrow, it could be 15 weeks. And where we go after that is also up in the air. We’ve been looking at houses for sale, but every time we find one, they sell before we get our ducks in a row. First, our pre-approval took too long (seriously, that bank was the worst experience ever. It’s been 3 months and we’re still waiting to hear back from them), so our realtor suggested another lender. She approved us, but the pentameter a were nearly impossible to meet. So we found a third lender that gave us the things we’re looking for, and we’ve found a house that I absolutely love, but the way to purchase it is a little picky, so I have to do my homework and learn a little legalese. You know, in my spare time.

So, I’m trying to yardsale stuff I don’t want to move with (it is filling my front room), and pack for a house I don’t know exists yet.

And I’m going to school (2 classes. Philosophy of education and psychology and cognition of education).

And I’m tutoring a student (gotta get field experience. It has actually given me a lot to think about and learn from).

Oh! And we’ve been doing all kinds of testing to figure out why it’s been 2 1/2 years of trying and still no viable pregnancies. The results? We’re completely normal. The doc says we can either save up for IVF ($20,000), or try intra-uterine-insemination ($300). The testing itself hasn’t been cheap, so even though it seems like a no-brainer when you look at price, after spending so much for testing, the more reliable bet is IVF. But we’re going to at least try the IUI one month… Next month. And this paragraph may or may not still be here tomorrow when I again become sane. It is a super-personal subject for me.

So, tons going on, right? Well, I also have 4 callings in my ward, I’m a mother, a wife, a poor house-maid (can’t hire help), and a gardener with no garden but tons of garden starts sitting on my kitchen table because it keeps deciding to snow here.

Did I miss anything? Let me check (I wrote down all of the things going on in my life so I could keep track).

Oh yeah, I’m also still trying to get things tidied up with my court case with my ex a year and a half ago. And I’m on the PTO board (though I’ve been extremely negligent with this one). And I’m the parent rep for a committee for the public school district. And I’m planning a trip to see my best friend in Georgia for later this year (here’s hoping I can find time…and $$$). And I should be blogging more. And I do a family craft booth with my family every summer and have to finish the crafts that have been sitting on my sewing room desk for 6 months.

I’m loving every minute of this busy crazy life, but I know I’ve got to let something go. I need time to sleep. I’m thinking of asking to be released from my callings. I’m moving anyway, so someone will have to take over soon. But what else do I drop to get back to a manageable place? I feel that the rest of these tasks are needed. They all have varying deadlines, and I want all of them. What do you guys think?

Not really MIA, just haven’t hit publish…

I’ve had a couple of posts I’ve written, but it just didn’t seem right to publish them. I’m getting so much done elsewhere, I’ve not had time to proofread what I’ve written and get it published. So one day, there will probably be a ton of posts your behind on. I’d like to apologize in advance for that. Life is most definitely moving, and I’m standing here in awe, and then racing to catch up! It’s a blessing. I’m looking forward to it.

 

until then, I’ve put a lot of quotes from all of these random papers cluttering up my house onto my Tumblr account. you can check that out if you really miss me.